How to be Charming

I received a lot of compliments on the letters I wrote from Korea. Some people expressed sadness to see them stop. And while it was appropriate for the letters to stop, there are still times when I feel like sharing something – a thought, an experience, a moment from my life.

Those letters were as much about developing my voice and philosophies as they were about conveying the experience of living abroad. These days, I’m living in Vancouver. It’s far less exotic, but my life is not unexciting. And I continue to grow. My voice is stronger; I continue to discover new things about myself and about the world around me. I want there to be a chronicle of this time in my life. So here I go. I’m writing another document portraying my disposition at this precise moment in time, and later, I plan to make it public. I will once again be an open book. And I look forward to that openness. That honesty.

(Although, of course, there are some things I’m hiding.)

One of my biggest goals in moving to Vancouver has been personal growth. I want to increase my confidence. I want to be bold. When I try to explain this concept to my friends, it sounds abstract. And in some ways it is. But I also have some very specific ideas about where I’m trying to go. I’d like to share some of those ideas with you.

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Take Mom’s Advice
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For years I was frustrated with my mother’s advice. No matter the issue, her wisdom always seemed to boil down to “chin up.” Things will get better, hang in there, that’s the way it is... And I fumed. I wanted something tangible – something I could hold on to.

I have a few strong anchors in my life, but in general I dislike the weight. And while sometimes I feel lost at sea, I’d like to use a different metaphor that feels more accurate.

I picture myself climbing a wall of rock. Is it a mountain? I don’t know. A mountain implies that there is a top I could reach, and I’m not sure that there is one. Only I feel like I’m trying to climb, and I’m constantly searching for handholds. Sometimes, scrambling. Since I don’t know if the wall has a top, or sides, I don’t always know which way I should move. But sometimes, a direction looks interesting, so I climb that way for a couple of years.

When I feel lost, I ask people for advice. And most people are happy to oblige. Climb left, climb right, climb diagonal, stop moving. I expected my mother to give me directions as well, and to supply me with handholds along the way. I expected her to point out the easiest way to climb towards the top.

Sometimes she does these things. But they are not the main purpose of her advice. Instead, my mother is the sun, shining on that rock wall. While she shines, the heat gives my muscles strength, and I’m able to hold on longer. I have the luxury to look around, to admire the birds flying amidst the clouds. And while my arms are tanning, I have the strength to pull myself in the directions that I choose.

Without the sun, the world would go cold and ice would grow on that wall. My hands would go numb, and the handholds I reached for would be slippery with ice. The chances of falling would be greater, and I would not enjoy the journey.

Ladies and gentlemen, I need the sun.

The glass is half-full.

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Stop Being Sarcastic
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I am often identified for my wit. Which I’m quite proud of. In fact, it’s probably one of the things I define myself by. However, there are times when it is destructive. My particular brand of wit is often derived from sarcasm. I instinctually rip things apart.

I’m trying to change that.

I’ve identified a few different kinds of humour, and I’m trying to steer away from the negative ones. Let me give you some examples. Let’s pretend that I just watched my friend Joe swimming at the beach. And, well, to be honest, Joe can’t really swim. He splashes. There are a lot of different jokes I could make.

The best joke I could make would be to say something positive and mean something positive. I can make this funny by saying it in a unique or ridiculous way: “The best thing about being a shitty swimmer is it makes me feel a sense of brotherhood with all the other people in the world who can’t swim either. High-five, Joe!” Or, I could just give Joe a simple compliment: “Hey Joe, I know you were struggling out there. Good on ya for putting in the effort. Kick that water’s ass.”

The next best thing I could do is say something negative with a positive intention. For this example, let’s pretend Joe is a great painter who bought me ice cream for lunch. “Joe, the worst part about you being a bad swimmer is that you suck at everything else too. I mean, you’re a horrible friend – you never buy me ice cream – and the paintings you do are hideous.”

With all of the examples above, the intentions are positive. It doesn’t really matter what I say, the vibe is warm, and people will smile. They’ll feel good. On the other hand, let’s look at some negative jokes.

I can say something positive with a negative intention: “Joe, you’re the best swimmer I’ve ever seen. Your girlfriend must be super proud of you. We should, like, totally make a t-shirt for her.” This is sarcasm. And, unfortunately, this is usually where my instincts take me.

I can also say something negative, and mean something negative: “Joe, you really suck at swimming. I mean, you’re awful. If a lion had sex with a rock, its babies would swim better than you do.” This is called being a dick.

To most people, the jokes with negative intentions are probably funnier. I’ve noticed that these jokes get bigger laughs, but their cumulative effect on the group dynamic is less positive. And, when I mis-step, I can unintentionally hurt people’s feelings. They don’t usually say anything, but I can tell by the look in their eyes, and then I feel guilty. On the other hand, using positive jokes/comments creates a powerfully attractive atmosphere. Delivery is also a huge part of this. My delivery tends to match my intention, so when I mean something negative, it’s hurtful. When I mean something positive, it’s uplifting. I think this might be the key to being charming.

I need more practice at making positive jokes. Obviously, I endeavour to be snappy. And the first quip that comes to mind, for me, is almost always negative. Instead of just blurting those out, lately I’ve been trying to hold back and re-analyze the situation. I look for a way to spin the situation so that I can make a positive contribution. Sometimes I take too long and I miss the chance. Other times I say something that sounds stupid. And, occasionally, I still make negative jokes.

With practice, I will prevail.

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Talk to Strangers
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I’ve been in Vancouver for 4 months, and I haven’t made many friends yet. I have, however, had dozens of positive interactions with people I’ve met on buses, in bookstores, and in coffee shops.

Brazilians tell me that in their country, you can’t sleep at night because all the people are talking in the streets. I’m told that if I enter a Brazilian household, I will be repeatedly hugged and kissed. Within four hours I’ll be a part of the family. They tell me they feel strange in Canada because no one is talking to one another.

We read a short story in class about a man who sees his soul mate on the street, but doesn’t have the courage to talk to her. My Brazilian student told me, “In Brazil, this is impossible. Everybody talks to everybody else.”

People who have closely read my writing can probably tell that I’ve always been bothered by the invisible barriers between people on the streets. By the shields I feel pressing in around me. Sometimes I think people look interesting, and I just want to talk to them. I don’t know what to say, but I know they’re nice people, and in the right situations, we would surely get along. Since moving to Vancouver, I’ve been breaking these barriers with pleasantries. “Hi. How are you?” “I really like your jacket.” “Do you think it’s going to snow?”

I don’t have the confidence to do this every day, but on the days when I do I feel warmer inside.

The truth: talking to strangers is hard. It is. And one bad interaction can destroy the confidence I’ve won from ten positive conversations. It’s happened once or twice. A couple of bad interactions in the past were enough to turn me introverted for years. But I’m overcoming that. Or, at least, I’m trying to. Because it’s worth it. I like meeting new people, and I want to make new friends.

Sometimes the conversations don’t even have to go anywhere. I just feel richer for having spoken to a person, and I leave the venue smiling.

Is this making sense? I hope it is...

I’d like to end with one more anecdote. There’s a Brazilian girl in my class who is always smiling. She wants to hug everyone, and the first time she did, she scared the hell out of a Korean classmate. But still, she smiles. And she tells me that everywhere she goes, even in Canada, people start conversations with her. I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not just guys, and it’s not just pick-up lines. Everyone wants to talk to this girl. This morning, after class, while waiting for the elevator she saw me approach and she smiled. “Teacher!” and she reached towards me with her hand.

Then she pulled back, and her smile turned down. She wasn’t sure if she should touch me. I smiled at her warmly, said hello, and patted her on the arm. It felt like the right thing to do.

I just hope it doesn’t get me fired.

Bill